During my early 20s, I took Ayahuasca for the first and only time.
The first thing you need to know about this drug is that it’s not really a “drug” at all. Prior to taking Ayahuasca, I had consumed almost every single psychedelic known to man. This included psilocybin, bufotenin, mescaline, LSD, LSA, kratom, DXM, ketamine, and salvia. With the exception of salvia, I see all of these substances as recreational in nature. Although they were certainly intense, they provided “fun” experiences when all was said and done.
The same cannot be said for Ayahuasca. This is not a “fun” drug, and it should not be viewed as a recreational experience. It is far more consequential. When you take Ayahuasca, you put your very soul on trial. Every aspect of your being is judged by a divine life form that exists on a higher plane of being than yourself. Perhaps I was judged by a more divine version of myself. Maybe I was judged by “God,” or whatever you believe created this universe. But one thing is clear: I was forced to confront all of my demons. There was no option to turn my face away from the light – the divine judgment. Once I had consumed that liquid, I was on a path that I could not back away from. I had no choice but to throw myself forward into the unknown. And it was at that moment that I freed myself and broke through the veil.
But let’s back a few steps and talk about why I chose to take Ayahuasca in the first place.
Growing up, my friends and I idolized people like Dennis McKenna, Terrence McKenna, Graham Hancock, and others who we saw as “psychonauts.” These people were some of the first Westerners to speak openly about Ayahuasca and the magic of DMT. I think I was vaguely aware of people like Joe Rogan speaking about Ayahuasca, but we were definitely more interested in these first pioneers – these “ethnobotanists.”
At some point, we discovered the Urban Shaman. This was a small booth located in the back of the BC Marijuana Party headquarters in downtown Vancouver. I’m not sure if it still exists, but there was a time when you could walk to the back of the BCMP and speak to an individual who had access to almost every single psychedelic imaginable. One of our early favorites was Peruvian Torch – a type of cactus that contained high concentrations of mescaline. I also became enamored with Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds – which contain high levels of lysergic acid.
But it was only a matter of time until we turned our attention towards Ayahuasca. The Urban Shaman provided us with two different plants – Mimosa Bark and Syrian Rue. When combined in a specific way, these two plants created a liquid mixture that contained high levels of DMT. I’m not exactly sure if this is the same mixture used by the shamans in Peru, but we were more than happy to take these plants home, mix them into a brew, and consume them. Admittedly, it was my friend that took responsibility for brewing the mixture. However, I do know that one of these plants we used acted as a MAOI-inhibitor.
We decided to each consume our portion of the Ayahuasca alone.
I took the mixture home and waited until late into the night. Finally, I chugged everything and waited for the effects to kick in. It took about 30-60 minutes before I felt an intense feeling of utter dread. It was like my subconscious mind knew what was about to happen. I then felt extremely sick to the stomach and rushed to the bathroom. However, a deep part of me resisted vomiting. It was like I knew that I needed to digest as much of this mixture as possible to truly “break through.”
It was at this point that I began to hallucinate. They were not enjoyable visions. Dark shadows appeared at the corners of my eyes – creeping in through the windows and haunting me. Soon, I was confronted with all of my shortcomings – all of my insecurities – all of my failures – all of my regrets. Words cannot describe how painful and traumatic this experience was. I believe that I have partly suppressed my memory of the experience. Looking back on it with any semblance of accuracy would probably affect my sanity. What I will say is that at some point, I broke through all of the negative emotions.
I remember letting go. I remember closing my eyes and seeing a bright green, spiritual outline of my energy leave my physical body and project itself into the abyss of death and fear. It was at this point that I felt an incredible sense of relief. I felt at peace with all of my fears and insecurities. I had broken through – utterly exhausted and shaken.
At the end of the day, it was a net positive experience. But will I ever try Ayahuasca again?
No.
